It's My Birthday And...

I'm starting to feel that with every year that passes, time is moving too fast.

I have so many things that I want to do with my life and I'm worried that I'm not going to have time to do them all. I want to move out and get married and have a family, but I also want to go to college and have a career. Considering I still haven't got my high school diploma, I don't see that second one happening anytime soon.

I can't wait to move out with Tyler and have the opportunity to start our life together. I can't wait until we have a place of our own. I love him and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I'm ready for the rest of my life to begin. I just worry sometimes that I'm going to run out of time before I've completely all of the goals that I've set out for myself.

But when does it become too late? How long can I put off going to school? How long do I want to work at Harvey's and attempt to save money? I want to get engaged, but purchasing a ring will put a temporary stop on Tyler's saving and paying off his debt.

I wish that we didn't have to always think about the future. I wish that we could live everyday as if it could be our last, because it very well could be. Live in the moment, think about what you're doing right now, not tomorrow or the next day or the next year. Be happy with what you have right now and not sad about the things that you've lost or all the things that you don't have.

I wish that we could all be happy with the lives that God has given us and be thankful for all of the wonderful things that we have right now and not have to worry about the things that we want in the future. If only it were that easy.

Everyone has things that they want and it's difficult to be satisfied with what we have now. We all have hopes and images of what's to come and it can be disappointing when the time finally comes when things are supposed to get better and they don't. The best kept plans don't always work out and then we are left with nothing.

We all have such high expectations for our futures, and a lot of it will work out. But what about the stuff that doesn't? If you plan your life out so clearly that there is no room for failure or changes in plans than if one slight things changes we are left with nothing and with no way to fix it.

Homework

I was going through some old files on my computer tonight (I really should have been sleeping) and came across an essay that I wrote last year for my grade 12 English class. The assignment was to pick a picture that marks a defining point in our life and write about it. This is the picture that I chose and what I wrote about it:



This photograph is of me, at my grade eight graduation, with my date, Tyler. It represents a major turning point in my life with not just one event, but three. These events are unrelated but intertwine to make me who I am today. The first is the transition from elementary school to high school. The second is the beginning of my relationship with Tyler. The third event can barely be seen but is represented by the hospital bracelet on my wrist as remembrance of my diagnosis of diabetes the week before.

I believe that the transition between middle school and high school is huge for everyone and then slightly more so for me. I went from being a shy, quiet girl with two best friends and a semi-normal life to a quiet, but more outgoing, girl with a boyfriend, one best friend and a disease in one short summer. My friend Brittany had decided that she liked Tyler too when she found out that I did and she never really got over it. That summer we drifted farther and farther apart and by the time school started she wasn’t talking to me at all. This upset me for a while, but with high school came new friendships and experiences.

High school also brought new thoughts and ways of learning. Most of the teachers would talk to you and treat you as an adult and not as a silly child. They would encourage questions and open-mindedness. Having these figures in my life helped me to develop my own beliefs and values and not just listen to the things that other people thought.

There is one person in my life that has changed me and helped me grow more than anyone else that I met in school. This person is Tyler. I can’t even remember how long I’ve had feelings for Tyler. He was my elementary school crush. The only problem was that he had a crush on my best friend, Brittany. Brittany was never interested in him until grade eight when she found out that I was. By then it was too late. Tyler had already asked me to go to graduation with him and officially began dating a few weeks later.

Tyler and I have practically opposite personalities. This has helped us both to grow in different ways. I have always been a quiet person. I keep to myself and think things out before I do them. Tyler, on the other hand, is outgoing and can befriend anyone within five minutes. He lives in the moment and does what he wants whenever the thought strikes him. In Tyler, I found someone that I can confide in. Talking to him about my life and thoughts made it easier to let other people in as well. Tyler helped me to find a sense of belonging that wasn’t always in my life.

Tyler has also helped me to love my family for what it is. My parents may be split up, but we’re all happy. Seeing Tyler’s parents married, but miserable, gave me a new appreciation for my own strange home situations. Tyler is one of the few people who would accept me and my life for what it is.

All of these new thoughts and events almost didn’t happen, because I nearly died. Weeks, or even months, before graduation, I was sick. I never really felt well or completely myself. Then, about a week before graduation, it reached its peak. I became disoriented and practically incommunicable. My parents rushed me to the hospital where they realized that I had diabetic ketoacidosis. My blood was acidic and my body was trying to make energy by turning fat cells into ketones; I was dying. After nearly two days of being unconscious I finally woke up. The diagnosis shocked me. Suddenly I had to check my blood sugar, take at least four needles a day and know how many carbohydrates were in everything that I ate. Not only that, but if I didn’t do all of this, I would certainly go blind, have my feet amputated and die of heart disease.

I will always be thankful that my parents helped me but also gave me almost complete control over my disease. This gave me, at the age of fourteen, more responsibility than I had ever had before. I adjusted quickly to the routine and now, after almost four years, it often seems like I don’t even have diabetes because I feel that I live my life just like everyone else.

My diabetes has never been a source of embarrassment for me. It’s the opposite really. I enjoy talking about my disease. I read about teens whose friends, boyfriends and girlfriends don’t even know that they have it. I am the opposite, I have DIABETIC tattooed on my wrist and everyone knows that I am one. I won’t let this disease control me or define who I am. I do embrace the sense of responsibility and accomplishment that being diabetic has given me.

These three events would never have been linked under normal circumstances. They say that everything comes in threes and this has often been true in my life. These three unrelated events all happened to me at the same time and they ended up changing my life, who I am and who I will eventually become.

Bus Thoughts

For some reason, I seem to do some of my best thinking in the 10 or 15 minutes that I spend on the bus on the way home, on the way to work and on the way to Tyler's. Yesterday morning I was riding the bus to work and it was REALLY crowded. I was sitting near the back in one of the seats that was facing backwards and listening to my ipod.

Sitting like that and not being able to hear anyone else is a strange feeling. I didn't realize how crowded it was until I turned in my seat to watch for my stop and realized that if a bunch of people didn't move out of my way I wouldn't be able to even get off the bus.
It's a weird feeling to know that even in a crowd you can feel like you're alone. I mean, sometimes it's a good thing, if you want to be alone, you can tune out the rest of the world. But what if you don't want to be alone? What if you spend so much time alone that you end up feeling alone all the time? Even in a huge crowd...

I like to tune out the rest of the world sometimes though. I turn my music up when I'm on the bus and ignore the people around me. Those few short minutes that I have to myself in the morning before a long shift at work are refreshing and very much needed on some days. I found myself thinking about the different music that I listen to while I'm on the bus.

Once I really got thinking, I noticed some trends. While I'm on my way to Tyler's I'll probably be listening to music that I really enjoy, like The Fray, The Offspring, Our Lady Peace or Three Days Grace, something like that. On the way to work I'll listen to stuff like Hillsong, Bethany Joy Galeotti or even the RENT soundtrack. On my home from work I'm more likely to listen to Slipknot or Korn.

It got me thinking about how music effects my mood and how my mood effects my music choice. I mean, if I'm going to Tyler's, I'm going there to just hang out and relax, so I'll listen to whatever music I feel like, usually something that I really enjoy. Whereas, when I'm going to work I'll listen to calming Christian music or slow, quiet singing. At these times, I know that I'm probably going to have a long day ahead of me. On the way home I'll listen to heavy, angry music after a long and rough day.

The question is though, am I calm because I'm listening to that calming music or am I listening to it because I already am? How much does the music effect me and how much effect do I have on the music?

Wow, all of that was REALLY random, I think I need to go to bed or something.

Something that really irritates me...

Sorry, I just had some quick thoughts and I felt the need to write it down.

It drives me crazy that people who know nothing or close to nothing about diabetes think that they are qualified to pass judgment on the way that I'm running my life. I mean we all hear the regular "should you really be eating that?" from our friends and coworkers, I generally just smile and say "yeah, I can really eat whatever I want as long as I take insulin for it." But I mean really, do these people think they know more about my disease than I do?

Then there are the ones that hover around while your checking your blood sugar, like it's really there business. "How is it? Are you dying?" I don't know about everyone else, but to me my blood sugar is personal. If my sugar is good, great, I don't care if everyone looks at it. But if it's a little high or a little low, I don't need people looking at it and freaking out that it's low or trying to give me a lecture about taking proper care of myself when it's high.

Ugh, I must sound like the world's most bitter diabetic, I'm really not. All diabetics know how this feels though, am I right? It's my disease and I just wish that people that didn't really understand it didn't try to tell me how to run it.

Another thing that drives me crazy are the people that cringe or look away when you're going to give yourself a shot "If I had diabetes, I wouldn't be able to do that, I would just die!" How dramatic is that? Yes, if you did have diabetes and were somehow unable to have the balls to do your shots, you would die, literally! They make it seem like we're so brave or something just because we stick ourselves with a little piece of metal a couple of times a day. It isn't really all that brave if you consider the other option, its not like we wake up in the morning and think "Hmm...I think I feel ready to do my injection today, I'm prepared." You just do it!

I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I'm diabetic, but a little empathy would be nice. Put yourself in my shoes, think about what I do go through with this disease and don't say things that you wouldn't want to hear in my situation. If you were living with a chronic illness, would you want someone who didn't know anything about it trying to give you advice? Think about it...

It's been a while....

Yeah, it's been a while since I posted anything...not that anybody but me is reading this thing anyway!

Life in general has been ok. Not great, not terrible but pretty ok. My dad moved off to the states last month and I get random text messages from him every few days or so, which I enjoy. It's nice that even though he is across the next country I can still talk to him and get a hold of him whenever I want.

Everything is great with Tyler too. He's been getting a shitload of hours at work, so the money is flowing in nicely too. Although, we still have to fish out 200 bucks or so to chop up Shitrock's balls sometime in the next month or so.

I've been thinking a lot about my diabetes lately though.

As much as the people who love me try, the can never really understand what it's like to BE diabetic, they don't have to go through it every day and they don't know how much it can really take out of you. I mean yes, you have to worry about every single thing that you put into your mouth as well as giving yourself shots and checking blood sugars all day long. There is so much more to it that no one understands. There's a constant fear that goes along with it too. We diabetics don't want to think about it and we even make jokes about it, but there is a huge chance that our life is going to be cut short because of this disease.

We have to worry every day about the complications and issues that can come up, and much sooner than we may expect them. How many healthy people think to themselves...would I rather have kidney failure, or have my feet amputated? Whereas I have thought of all of these things and yes (as terrible as it all sounds) I would rather have kidney failure than have my feet cut off, I would rather have heart disease than go blind. What normal, healthy person has to worry about where they are going to be, healthwise, by the time they're thirty?

We have to worry every night when we go to bed, what if it gets low? What if I have a seizure tonight and don't wake up tomorrow? Being diabetic doesn't just mean checking your blood sugar and giving yourself insulin, it also means living in constant fear and worry of what your own future might hold. The doctors and all of the studies say 'if you take care of yourself, the chance of complications is lowered.' Lowered???? I check my blood sugar constantly, take my insulin at the right times and do my best to keep my sugars good and it might not even help? I might still end up with kidney failure, blindness, heart disease and having my fucking feet amputated? How is that fair?

Diabetics have a higher chance of being depressed than other people. I wonder why that is?