The end of a chapter in my life.

Tyler and I broke up. Actually, if you want to get technical, he broke up with me. We made it official on Saturday night, but it all started a week and a half before.

It was a Wednesday night and I had gotten off work a little early so that I could come home and watch American Idol at 8. I came home to find Tyler just sitting in our bedroom. He told me he needed to talk to me. I told him that I didn't want to talk right then, I just wanted to watch American Idol and eat the burger that I had brought home for dinner.

He said we needed to talk. He then proceeded to tell me that although I would probably hate him for what he had to say, it had to be said. He told me that he had spent the last two months trying to fall back in love with me. He told me that he didn't love me and that he was leaving me. He went to stay with his parents that night.

Needless to say, I was devastated. My mom, Claudio and I were also absolutely shocked. I had known that things in our relationship weren't exactly the way that they had always been, but I honestly believed that we were all right. I was, of course, still madly in love with him and I knew that he was still the man that I wanted to marry and have a life with.

We got together the next day to talk things through. We decided together that we were going to try to fix things. We would spend some time alone together (something that we had almost completely stopped doing at this point) and try to just have fun. A way to try and get the "spark" that Tyler had lost back. We went out and built a snowman, we watched a movie, I took him for dinner for his birthday and made him pancakes for breakfast the next morning. I thought it was going pretty well, all things considered.

Tyler came over on Saturday night to pick up some more of his clothes and his DVD player. We went to his parents for a little while after. It was then that he told me that he didn't want to try anymore. He thought that it was hurting us both too much, he didn't want to give me any false hope and it was just too hard for him. He then explained to me that he isn't sure if he ever wants to get married or have kids. Either way, he has decided that he definitely does not want to be with me anymore.

He wanted to still be my friend. The way I see it, at least for now, is that, if he gave up being with me, he gave up the right to be my friend and be involved in my life in any way. At least right now that's how I feel, talk to me in six months and maybe I'll have changed my mind.

I am upset. It feels like a huge chunk of my life and of my future has been torn away from me against my will and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. But right now, I'm just trying to focus on all of the good things and the good people that I have in my life, so thank you all in advance for your support.

Proving the Existence of God

I watch a lot of youtube videos. I've become quite addicted to watching people from around the world vlog about their opinions and beliefs. One of the vloggers that I watch often is Dan Brown (username pogobat - check him out! http://www.youtube.com/user/pogobat). He is my age and is very intelligent and aware of political and worldly issues. I've learned a lot from watching his vlogs. In a lot of his earlier vlogs he talks about his beliefs and his opinions about God. As someone who was raised by two pastors you would think that he would be a Christian and have a firm belief in God. He is not.

He is an agnostic. He doesn't belief or disbelieve in God. He believes that it cannot be proven one way or the other that God exists. Here I agree with him. He also says that he has no reason to believe or not to believe in God. Here I disagree.

Everyone can find reasons not to believe. They see starving children in third world countries, homeless people on their streets, wars and people dying to young. But are these really reasons not to believe? I find myself asking the question: how can people look around and NOT believe?

Something as simple as a snowflake that lands on your sleeve in the winter is reason enough. Have you ever really looked at a snowflake? Have you seen how complex and perfectly made it is? I won't give the credit for that snowflake to evolution. I won't give the credit for the birth of a child, a medical miracle, a scientific discovery or the love of a woman for a man or a father to his son to anyone but God.

We can't prove the existence of God, but we can't disprove it either. We can look for many more reasons to believe every day.

Goodbye 2009

You were a good year!

This year I:

Turned 19

Moved into a house with my mom, her boyfriend and Tyler

Got engaged

Was able to by my own cigarettes and alcohol (legally!)

Wrote a novel in a month

Started working full time

Flew on an air plane without any parents

Didn't get my hair cut a single time (Oh God that needs doing badly!)

Got back in touch with some old friends

Made a Project for Awesome video to help get awareness for one of my favourite charities.

Read approx. 90 books

Watched more youtube videos than is healthy for one person



Goal for this NEW year: Do more stuff!

I mean really, I had a good year and all, but this year I want to do so much more! I want to move ahead with my life and get involved in stuff. I spend most of my free time reading or on the computer. I want to go out and do stuff!

I'm going to be taking a sign language class with my friend Amy (hopefully - I have to make sure that they'll still let me register!). I plan on completely editing my novel (from nanowrimo) in the next few months. If I get it done by July 1st they will send me a free paperback copy of it. But I want to do more!

This year I want to start planning my wedding, I want to move out, I want to graduate high school and start thinking about taking some college courses (anything!) I want to donate money to charity. I want to do it all!

I found a website today. It lets you write an email to yourself and then pick the date that it will mail out. I set it to email to me on January 1st 2012. I'll be almost 22 by the time I get that email. I wrote in it some of my goals, things that I hope I have accomplished by that time. I finished off the email by saying "Don't worry if you haven't done any of this stuff yet, you still have time."

There are a lot of things that I want to do with the time that I have. No one knows how much time they are going to have to get everything done. I want to start trying to get that stuff done in 2010 because I feel like I haven't done much with 2009.

I'm not usually the kind of person who makes New Year's Resolutions, but I guess this year I am. Wish me luck!