On Soul Mates and Second Chances

If someone had asked me a week and a half ago what I thought I would be doing tonight, I definitely wouldn't have told them that I was going to Tyler's so that we could watch the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. But that's what I'm doing.

Some of you are probably wondering what I'm doing and more importantly, what I'm thinking. I'm going to try and explain the train of my thoughts over the last week. Some of you are still going to think I'm crazy, but just know this: I am happy and I know I am doing the right thing for me.

Last week I was angry. I was furious. I was livid. And I still am. The only thing that changed was that on Friday, I started to miss Tyler really badly. I didn't miss the person that did all of this to me, I didn't miss that monster that cheated on me and hurt my feelings more than anyone else could. I missed the man that I fell in love with. I missed the man that I once believed to be my soul mate, the man that I knew for certain that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

My problem at this point on Friday night was that I didn't know if this man still existed. I didn't know if Tyler was still this man that I knew or if he was still the monster that had hurt me. I wasn't willing to give up the five great years that we had before all of this happened without finding this out. I needed to know if that man was still in there, I needed to give him a chance because I knew that this man was my soul mate at one time.

So I called him and we talked for a long time. I hung up the phone at 5am Saturday morning and felt better. On Sunday night I went to Tyler's house and we talked some more. He has answered all of the questions that I have asked him with brutal honesty.

You may all think that I'm crazy for talking to him or believing anything that he says, and maybe I am. But I feel in my heart that he is telling me the truth now. He is so unbelievably different now that I don't know how I didn't realize there was something wrong before. This is the man that I loved, this is the man that I am still very much in love with.

I know that he regrets what he did, and he doesn't just regret it because he got caught. He regrets it because he knows it was wrong. He wishes that he had waited for marriage, he understands how important it is now. He is physically sick sometimes when he remembers the details when I ask him questions. There are a lot of little details that he honestly can't remember, partly because he was so high at the time, and partly because his mind has blocked them out.

He also knows now how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me and only me. And it's because of all of these reasons that I'm giving him a second chance to prove it all to me. I'm going to let him prove how much he loves me and that he is still the same man that I fell in love with.

And don't think that I'm going to make it easy for him either. If I find out that he lies to me even once, I'm done. If I found out that he's used at all, I'm done. I'm the one that's calling the shots here because I don't want to get hurt again. He knows that nothing is concrete yet. No matter how much I want to be with him and how much I want things to work out for us, I still don't know if I can get past what he did. I don't want to live the rest of my life with the images haunting the back of my mind. I also don't want to live the rest of my life without the man that I love, so I'm going to try. It's going to be hard and it's going to take a really long time, but I'm going to try.

I want you all to know that just because I have forgiven Tyler and taken him back into my life does not mean that I expect all of you too. I know that I am not the only person that Tyler hurt with his actions the past few months. I realize that it's easier for me to even consider all of these thoughts than it is for most of you because I'm in love with him. I'm not going to force anyone to hang out with him or be nice to him. I do ask that no one go out of their way to be especially mean to him, he's going through enough. Try to imagine how you would feel if you made a huge mistake and lost everything and everyone that matters the most to you. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for him, there is no excuse for what he did, I'm just asking that you be sympathetic to the situation for my sake and his, and to please just leave him alone. He doesn't need anymore reasons to be afraid to go outside after dark.


I'm sorry if I upset anyone or if anyone thinks that I am outright wrong and crazy for doing this. But this is the man that I love and I want to try and forgive him and get past all of this. Right now I am happy and although you may not agree, I know that I am doing the right thing.

I hope that this post makes sense and that it hasn't been too all over the place. Please feel free to leave me a comment or email me on facebook if you want to know more about what's going on, I just don't feel quite right posting anymore details out in the open online. This is the last that I will be posting about this. It is a private issue and I am sorry that I made it so public in the first place (like I said - I was mad). I just wanted everyone who cares to know what was going on without me having to explain everything to everyone individually.